I went through a traumatic childhood that was almost too much to bear.
I barely made it alive with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and a lot to heal.
And even though I've been on this healing path for 30 years and I can honestly say I am in a great place in my life now, I keep turning inward and deepening… because there is more available to me as I continue on my spiritual journey.
When Mother Aya summoned me to go on my plant medicine journey earlier this year, I knew it was time to finally face the rejection cycle caused by my mother’s mental illness in a new way.
This journey was focused on returning to my childhood trauma in a new way. It was the first time that I could actually hold the whole experience and feel it in my body.
In the sacred space held by maestra Matilde and her family, I was finally able to release what was blocking me.
My Story
By the time I was 11, my parents were already divorced, and I was living with my mom full-time, seeing my dad every other weekend.
My mom was very suddenly taken away to a mental hospital, and no one sat me down to explain anything ahead of time. I got home from school alone, and found all of the pictures from our photo albums all over the living room floor with my dad's head cut out of all of them.
She was gone.
I was so scared.
No one was with me.
This happened a few days after she tried to kill my brother by mistake in front of my eyes. She lost contact with reality and didn’t know what she was doing.
I was so panicked that I cried myself to sleep. I cried for 3 hours straight, shaking in bed while my dog was licking my face till I passed out. I couldn't let my mom comfort me. I was terrified of her.
After she was taken away, I cried for three months on the streets, walking around with a broken heart. I just wanted my mom back, and there was no one there to calm me down and comfort me. I was only 11 years old, and I was suddenly emotionally alone in the world. It was terrifying. I had no one to turn to.
When we moved in with my dad, my dog, who was the only support and comfort I had left, was given away because my dad is afraid of dogs.
My dad didn’t have the capacity to meet me emotionally. He was functional and worked 3 jobs to support us.
On top of all of it, I was made fun of in school. The other kids laughed at me that I'd be crazy like my mom. I was completely rejected and outcasted.
Before my mom was taken away, she forced me to lock my dog in the car every night. He was in so much emotional pain being separated from me and was crying all night begging me to let him out. I cried myself to sleep in my bed every night.
One night I couldn't take it anymore. He looked at me with eyes of sadness and pain, and wept. I broke down angry and crying and said to my mom that I couldn't do it.
She got into a rage. I was so scared.
She was in her nightgown. She stepped out the door, picked up her nightgown and had nothing underneath. She screamed: "what do you want that everyone would see my v-gina!?" Everyone came out of their homes & saw her as she stood there with her gown pulled up, frozen in time.
I felt so much shame. I didn't know where to bury myself.
The next day I was the joke of the school and an outcast.
All of this was too much for my poor little body to hold so much pain, shame, and grief all alone.
So, the suicidal thoughts started and I ended up with PTSD.
As a kid, and due to all of this, there was never room for my full self–not with my mom, not with my dad, and not with his wife. I lost my sense of home. There was no place where I could bring my whole full self.
It was over a decade that I felt trapped in feeling–disconnected from my body and from my true self. And it took decades to restore.
You can watch my most vulnerable interview about what took place during my childhood here. Aya helped me see that at the core of the rejection cycle is my anger toward the adults who did not protect me and rejected me as I am.
I could feel more deeply than ever before that what happened to me is not because something was wrong with me. I was rejected so much because others lacked compassion and emotional capacity. It reflects on them, not on me.
From this, I could see that I haven't brought all parts of myself to my business. Mother Aya said to me - “Speak softer to them, not just speaking out of courage and strength all the time. Show them how hard it has been for you to get there.”
That’s why I am sharing my story with you.
Showing up as my true full self is a huge part of healing the rejection cycle and overcoming the fear of bringing all parts of myself.
Hiding parts of myself won’t deepen my healing or model for others what it truly takes to release and come back home to yourself.
This is impacting the tone we use in our business, it’s impacting how I work with my coaching clients, and how we run our programs.
It’s impacting everything in how I am showing up in the world.
I’ll share more with you about the rest of my Aya journey and how I’m continuing to integrate this wisdom in my life in the next and final newsletter in this series 💗
And I am excited to say that after this special time spent with this phenomenal healing family, I’m taking 10 beautiful souls with me on an exclusive, transformative Somatic Aya retreat to the healing center in Peru that I went to. It will include preparation and integration support–before, during, and after the retreat.
If this interests you, please send me a message or book a Complimentary exploratory call with me. 💗
With love,
Chen